FAQ Memberlist Usergroups Register Log in
Profile Log in to check your private messages Search

Angel's Metallo vs Superman: crits

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic     Forum Index -> The Written Word
Author Message
Cypher



Joined: 10 Apr 2008
Posts: 183
Location: Right behind you...with a club.

PostPosted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 9:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

EDIT: All previously existing text has been moved to the Critique thread, as per Angel's request.
_________________
Mors Certa, Vita Incerta.

Officially dubbed Pez by AsA
Cypher = code = problem = puzzle = Puzz = Pez

Keeper of Skogul's berserk rage, and the Endless Void.


Last edited by Cypher on Wed Apr 16, 2008 11:51 am; edited 1 time in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Angel



Joined: 23 Mar 2008
Posts: 45
Location: California

PostPosted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 10:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Also, please keep this thread comment free and start up a separate thread for any constructive criticism or whatever that you may have.


Please put that in a separate thread. Wanted to keep to having this all story no comment for this thread XD. If a mod could move these posts...?
_________________
Angelic is me! [I'm a Girl!]
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address MSN Messenger
thespaceinvader



Joined: 23 Mar 2008
Posts: 650
Location: Cardiff, UK

PostPosted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 10:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Unless you are intending to continue this story in a chapter-by-chapter format (and, from appearances, it doesn't seem that way to me - this story has a clearly defined ending), I will say no - it's FAR easier to keep track of what con crit goes with what story if the two are in the same thread, not in different ones.

Overall, you've got something which reads like a description of scenes in a comic - you say what you see, but there's almost no feeling, either of the power and weight behind the blows, or of what the protagonists feel about each other. It's not bad, but it could be a lot better.

You have various grammatical issues, not to mention a fairly glaring plot hole that Metallo begins holding the kryptonite, than it is Luthor who has it, with absolutely no mention of it being passed from one to the other.

Overall, try to be a little more eloquent. Put more time into describing the scene, the situation (it's not really clear where they're fighting, or when the fight moves from Luthor's immediate vicinity to the top of a building). Above all, use plenty of adjectives and adverbs (describing words) to increase the impact of your prose.

And please, get rid of the greengrocer's capitalisation (Superman's chest does not need a capital C, nor does cyborg...)

To sum up, a little eloquence goes a long way =) keep up the practice and your work will improve.
_________________
Keeper of Tristram's rings, and Felucca's very expressive ears.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Angel



Joined: 23 Mar 2008
Posts: 45
Location: California

PostPosted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 12:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

thespaceinvader wrote:
Unless you are intending to continue this story in a chapter-by-chapter format (and, from appearances, it doesn't seem that way to me - this story has a clearly defined ending), I will say no - it's FAR easier to keep track of what con crit goes with what story if the two are in the same thread, not in different ones.



I am trying to do a chapter by chapter thing. Which is why in the very first post I made, at the top, I wanted the comments in another thread.

Also I find it easier to keep track of the comments when it is in another thread. I also planned on continuing the story today or tomorrow but with all this stuff between the first and the second parts of the story... eh. It puts me off. Which is again going back to why I like another thread for feedback. I'm just used to it that way AND like it that way.
_________________
Angelic is me! [I'm a Girl!]
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address MSN Messenger
thespaceinvader



Joined: 23 Mar 2008
Posts: 650
Location: Cardiff, UK

PostPosted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 2:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Since you will be adding further chapters, i'll split the crit out.

EDIT: done. Unfortunately, teh Lady's not installed the phpBB mod that lets me merge threads, so the info from the other thread is included below, and i will be locking that thread.

Angel wrote:
Cypher wrote:
Moving my other post, as per request:

More pronouns. There's no reason to use a character's name more than once in a sentence unless there are multiple subjects or the character's gender is uncertain.

You're also switching tenses. Some of it's in past tense (staggered), some is in present (spits). As a general rule, everything is in past tense, baring unique situations like scripts. Though if you wanted a really unique format, you could write everything in present tense.

As far as fight scenes, more collateral damage. Superman and Metallo are impossibly strong. Don't just have Metallo HIT Superman. Have him hit Superman, send him flying through a fifth story window to smash some poor secretary’s desk to splinters, then jump up, grab him, and chuck him through three floors of a parking garage to crush someone's SUV and set off the car alarm.

That's all I can think of for now.


Thanks, very helpful advise. Smile That and I find I have trouble with keeping things in present tense. I don't know why, but I almost always have to try and keep things past tense, almost subconsiously. When I find myself doing that I try to bring it to present tense. My English teacher told me about that last year XD That and she said I was scatterbrained. Whatever that is. Rolling Eyes

As for the fight scene, yeah you're right. I should have put more actual 'damage' onto the spot, I just didn't really want to or feel the need to XD.

_________________
Keeper of Tristram's rings, and Felucca's very expressive ears.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic     Forum Index -> The Written Word All times are GMT - 4 Hours
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum



Elveron phpBB theme/template by Ulf Frisk and Michael Schaeffer
Copyright © Ulf Frisk, Michael Schaeffer 2004


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2002 phpBB Group