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A Bunch of Written Things

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Joined: 23 Mar 2009
Posts: 144

PostPosted: Sun Apr 18, 2010 5:00 am    Post subject: A Bunch of Written Things Reply with quote

Blehargen. =V 'ere we go, I suppose...my stories and such. I'd really love some con crit.

The Outer Land Tales: Vognas is a miserable, small, flying monster that lives in a cupboard and got the most important job in the whole Outer Land: being a guide to god, a girl with just her uncle and brother. However, he might not be able to keep it as he remembers his past.
It's a WIP, and I'm still going back just about every day and fixing up several problems I see. This is the first, rough draft, and the actual thing will have better description and hopefully flow better. If you have any suggestions besides that, I'd love to hear them. Smile

A short story written in about ten minutes:

Bright as ever, the moon stares down at her, not an inch hidden by clouds. Small, insignificant stars shine away from the moon, as if they are hiding from it. Only one small star is loyal enough to twinkle close to the moon.
She breathes deeply. She would choose to be awake at night rather than day even if she had a choice. Her eyes close and she drapes a wing around her son. He edges closer to Karanke, his mother, warily - not because he dislikes being close to his mother, but because it's hard enough as it is to hang from the branch. His gnarled claws slip momentarily, but he manages to hold on and he slinks closer to his mother. She smells filthy and he can hear her ragged breathed, but he wishes he can do more - he wishes he can see.
Karanke flinches, her ears twitching, as he buries his disfigured "nose" into her warm, brown fur. Despite being twice her size, he is still only two weeks old. Every fear, pain, and memory leaves him as he wraps himself around his mother, leaving him with a bliss emptiness. She hesitates before pushing his extraordinarily long muzzle with her own short one, making him sigh at her sign of affection. Karanke removes her wing from him and wraps it around herself.
Karanke looks up at the moon again with her eyes dull. Several insects fly about and her stomach pangs with a pain resembling a sharp nail. No. If her son cannot eat, neither will she.

"I love you, " he mumbles softly.

His words hit her like the moon itself just fell and crushed her. She looks away and hugs herself tighter. All the others hated him for his oddities, but she stood by him. That's love, isn't it?

"I love you, too."

It's good enough for her.

And a test rhyme just because I was bored and I wanted to get into character better.

Born as a baby, I was small
But smaller than the rest, I knew I had no place
Make me large is what I would call
Mama loved, but couldn't have a soft embrace
For I was weak and it was known
But I had proved them wrong
As blood hit my face, my claws hit his bone
I've proved to you, daddy, that I am strong
I know you'll let me back - someday

I've struggled and strived
Grown and derived
Worked and thrived
And how, oh how, have I survived
My name, passed down
A name of wretches and cowards
Of weaklings and clowns
But to me, I played my cards
And I am better than all of them!
I'm better than you, father
No longer will, you to me, condemn
For I am better and you are but a bother!

My name, my name
I have broken the chain
I am great and I take no blame
But I have slain
No, soon I will rule the world!
Who am I fooling?
And now, my wings unfurled
I say it now, no matter how grueling
My name, passed down
A name of wretches and cowards
Of weaklings and clowns
I'm not as I think, I am not empowered
All in all, I deserve my word
Vognas the third.

I'd appreciate con crit. Smile
I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts...
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