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Tack, Tack, Tack...

 
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Wren



Joined: 22 Apr 2008
Posts: 797
Location: In my head, wondering how so many manage to step outside theirs.

PostPosted: Tue Jul 27, 2010 2:30 am    Post subject: Tack, Tack, Tack... Reply with quote

It was an insistent little noise. If I asked someone what it was, I would bet the better part of my life savings that the answer would be tap, tap, tap. The rest would be on clack, clack, clack. They were coming in threes; someone on the other side had a sense of rhythm.

Tack, tack, tack.

Beat.

Tack, tack, tack.

The sound was harder than the p in tap allowed for. Plastic on thick glass. But it wasn't just a repeated k like in clack. People picked those because that was was what there. It was on the surface. But if you listened...

Tack, tack, tack.

If I'd had a face that I was connected to, at that moment, my brow would have furrowed. Tack. T's and K's. And in threes. That meant something. But not the same thing.

If I had been paying any attention to outside, I would have noticed it sooner. But they had me; I was floating. It wasn't dark; it wasn't light; it wasn't colorful, loud, quiet. It just was.

I sighed and reached back a little into my anchor. It was always so exhausting, switching. It's why it's so hard to think outside your set boundaries. You have to go here and remember what you experienced when what you experienced wasn't using any of your traditional senses. And then people complain that you're being vague. Preachin' to the choir.

I felt an old memory. It was one of the first things I'd learned that I remembered learning.

Tick, tock, tick, tock

Ah. A clock. But clocks didn't go in threes. And, come to think of it, I didn't remember learning about clocks...

TackTackTack.

Tack. Tack. Tack.

TackTackTack.

Silence.

TackTackTack.

I furrowed my brow, coming back into it enough to feel something like a face at least. She'd cut me off from what I actually was, but this was mostly a dream now. I was humanoid again, at least.

An image popped up in front of me, white against what was suddenly black instead of absence. . . . - - - . . .

Suddenly, there was a beeping. It came from me; I realized this with a start because it meant that whoever was manipulating the clock didn't.

Right then. This was the first thing I ever learned, but it still wasn't as intuitive as the stuff I hadn't learned. A line can lead me anywhere; I'd always known that. So all I had to do was make the other end of the string somewhere.

And this person was even kind enough to send me a beacon emotion and focus made things easier to find. Since where I was was dark, the scared, determined, one-track minded SOS was brighter than the sun. Good thing I didn't have eyes to be blinded.

"Sorry," I said in my absent voice.

I touched her intent and fear and took a little. It wouldn't make her any less scared, and it didn't make me any more so. She was giving off enough energy for an army of ghosts to feed on, so I took some of it. It had fascinated me that it was just whatever you made of it. I'd taken people's fear, put it in my hand, told them I'd made it into courage, and given it right back. It was amazing what people would swallow when an ethereal force said it. Even if they still wouldn't believe they could do it... It's not like I'm a god.

"Ah, good."

Right. That wasn't how normal fear tasted.

"You found me." She smiled. "I'll just take that anchor off, shall I?"

"Mercy!"

"Was that a request or an informal address?" Mercedes asked.

"Since when were you here?"

"Since you decided you were bored with me." She slouched over both arms of her chair. On a scale of design, it would rank somewhere up there with the entirety of Versailles. All in all, it looked ridiculous. A palace can be that stunning. A chair that does it is just...absurd. It had a clock in the right leg, for goodness' sakes.

"Not that I can blame you," she continued. "I was spectacularly boring."

"So you decided to get more interesting?"

She laughed. "Yes. It is rather liberating, you know."

I started to open my mouth to ask what was, when that part of me that always stayed floating smacked me. It was very small.

Hers was not.

Mercy's eyes were bright, too-wide, and lighter than they had been. She was split between here and there. It took a lot of energy to go between the two, but staying in both...that would kill you. "Mercy..."

She laughed. I shivered. "You look like you've seen a ghost. Of course, I suppose that wouldn't surprise you. That's practically what you are." Her smile was half mad and carnivorous. "And what you'll be if some careless person were to, oh, cut your anchor?"

"Mercedes."

She snapped back to me. Her eyes were small, scared, and their usual deep blue. She almost fell off the chair before she sat up. "What? What's happening?"

"Mercedes. Come back."

Her eyes flickered back. My stomach turned. "Or...?"

"You're going to die."

She stared at me. Her eyes went dark again, and she looked down. "I can't." She spoke so softly, I had to read her lips. In the cold room, barren but for the one, amazing, absurd chair, her shoulders shook. "I can't." Mercedes looked straight at me, deep-ocean blue eyes full. "Run. Please." They flicked to sky blue and she smiled. "Run."

I ran.

---

This is the first piece of my writing that I've shared outside my family or an English class, so I'd really like to know what you all make of it.
_________________
Dubbed "Fish" by Asa. Wren->Fish
~Keeper of Willow's Jedi cloak and Tristram's smirk.~

GENERATION 19: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig and add 1 to the generation. Social experiment.
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spellingmistax



Joined: 28 Jul 2009
Posts: 615
Location: Asa took this ^ I stole it ^_^

PostPosted: Tue Jul 27, 2010 1:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like it, If you want an analyses I can give it, I will give it the time it disserves.
_________________
"He gave you a life and you should cherish that treasure." - Benny

while Udina asked the usual inane civilian things that came about while under attack: "What's happening? Who is shooting at us? I'm squishy and not wearing armor and I'm a liability, get me to safety, etc.
dubbed Anthrax by Asa
Spellingmistax = mistax = ax = anthrax


Last edited by spellingmistax on Wed Jul 28, 2010 7:43 am; edited 1 time in total
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Wren



Joined: 22 Apr 2008
Posts: 797
Location: In my head, wondering how so many manage to step outside theirs.

PostPosted: Tue Jul 27, 2010 5:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I would love that. I always like feedback and critiques, especially from new audiences.
_________________
Dubbed "Fish" by Asa. Wren->Fish
~Keeper of Willow's Jedi cloak and Tristram's smirk.~

GENERATION 19: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig and add 1 to the generation. Social experiment.
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spellingmistax



Joined: 28 Jul 2009
Posts: 615
Location: Asa took this ^ I stole it ^_^

PostPosted: Thu Jul 29, 2010 5:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for sharing, I hope this helps. Without further adue I give you my opinion.

I enjoyed the beginning because in of how the narrator tries to describe the sound, it established that the narrator as a person in their own right, with a quirky way of thinking. The causal way in which our narrator mentions that they do not have a face is very nice touch; it demonstrates the normality from their point of view. Their point of view being a little disconcerting to me.

“An image popped up in front of me, white against what was suddenly black instead of absence”

A good reinforcement of what you already described, continuality without repetition.

It was a nice touch to have the narrator describe how they remember learning and how some things did not require any learning. It demonstrates skill in something, talking as if the audience is expected to understand exactly that which they are talking about, but said in such a way that we get the feeling that while we may be able to understand it is beyond our current experience and/or knowledge base. Like talking about computers to someone from the 40/50s

The part where our narrator talks about fear and energy and how much people can swallow if it is told by an ethereal force, why is it there? A link between looking and finding? A description of how Mercedes was found by the narrator? But you already did that. Is it a description of how ethereal forces ‘live’?. It is not out of place, it is very well written. I am just wondering why you put it there, not why you put it in.

“On a scale of design, it would rank somewhere up there with the entirety of Versailles. All in all, it looked ridiculous. A palace can be that stunning. A chair that does it is just...absurd. It had a clock in the right leg, for goodness' sakes.”

I love this description of Mercedes chair, very nicely done. Probably my favorite part of this peace. And yes, worth repeating in full.

I dislike “I ran”. It is not because of the interaction between the narrator and Mercedes, that is very well done. Not because of the descriptions of where they are and how they move (Focusing on the change in Mercedes eyes was well executed) but because or narrator ran. You went from: “I was floating. It wasn't dark; it wasn't light; it wasn't colorful, loud, quiet. It just was.” To just “I ran”. I am aware that there where changes in-between, they where seamless and very well executed, which made this all the more jarring to me. Why do I dislike “ran”? Why do I feel that it is to jarring? For me I can run down a street, I run from physical threats, I flee from situations. For me running evokes a physical reaction where in this situation it feels more of an ‘emotional’ one? (Poor description) To be honest though this is nit picking at its best and at its purest. (The reason that this part is so long is that I am finding it hard to understand why I dislike ‘I ran’, if I do not know myself I can’t really tell you now can I)

Like I said I really like this peace, your use of various methods of writing are very well executed, very appropriate for what (I believe) you wanted to convey and you managed to blend them together nicely to create an entertaining story

For you homework I want a 2000 word short story, it is now your both your duty and obligation to entertain me. Very Happy
_________________
"He gave you a life and you should cherish that treasure." - Benny

while Udina asked the usual inane civilian things that came about while under attack: "What's happening? Who is shooting at us? I'm squishy and not wearing armor and I'm a liability, get me to safety, etc.
dubbed Anthrax by Asa
Spellingmistax = mistax = ax = anthrax
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Wren



Joined: 22 Apr 2008
Posts: 797
Location: In my head, wondering how so many manage to step outside theirs.

PostPosted: Sat Jul 31, 2010 12:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I make no promises on length, but I'll give it a shot. Any topic/genre suggestions?

First, thanks for telling me what I did right. I like knowing what people enjoyed and why they did, it means I can do it again. A few reviewers I've had have forgotten that part, and, of course, it also makes me smile. Very Happy Especially the bit about the eyes, I wasn't sure how well I'd done there, glad to hear that worked out well outside my head, too.

I'm especially glad you liked the lines about the chair; I re-wrote that about...three or four times from scratch until I was happy with it.

The bit about the fear was either me getting away with myself or the character getting lost in thought, depending on how charitable one wishes to be. If giving the charity, it was further transition between states.

The "I ran" was probably one of the weaker parts for me, too. Endings are not my strong suit, so I was trying to make it open, since that's the main way I've found around it. The specific use of running was meant to imply that the narrator was far enough along in moving from the floating world to the physical one that there was a fear of bodily harm, though it looks like that wasn't quite as clear as it could be. Hm...*thinks over how/if to edit it*

Not intended to naysay any of your critiquing, all of it was very helpful. I just find that if I talk a bit then anything I've missed in what the other person said seems to come to the surface.

On a bit of a side note: What gender did you imagine the narrator? I intentionally tried for gender-neutrality, both in the story and this post. Though I may have had a gender in mind...
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Dubbed "Fish" by Asa. Wren->Fish
~Keeper of Willow's Jedi cloak and Tristram's smirk.~

GENERATION 19: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig and add 1 to the generation. Social experiment.
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Allicat



Joined: 14 Apr 2008
Posts: 1384
Location: Land of the troll.

PostPosted: Mon Sep 27, 2010 4:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ignore Simongbo. If you don't pay attention it will get bored and go away.

I really liked this piece, the intagibility was brought out well with the language you used. I liked the progression from the detatched thought processes at the beginning to the more concrete physical descriptions at the end.
If I may suggest an alternative ending? I would say "I fled." at the end. This indicates the emotional escape which spellingmistax is going for and also gives some rebellion to the character. She has been told to run, but instead she flees (and yes, I did think of her as a 'she') it achieves the same end, but means that there is no compliance with the Mercedes/ghost.
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Keeper of the fallen leaves. 'Cos they're still pretty.
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