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Twilight

 
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Magus Gar Kan



Joined: 13 Feb 2009
Posts: 151
Location: Somewhere between Nowhere and Everywhere.

PostPosted: Fri Feb 13, 2009 5:29 pm    Post subject: Twilight Reply with quote

Not really a complete story, but rather a scene from a much larger tale that floats through my head from time to time. Very Happy
The full tale has little coherency, just bits and pieces, but sometimes has good moments. Any comments, criticisms or questions are appreciated.
*Edited to account for commets*
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He had to admit...it was a brilliant sunset. The old man could see it all from the edge of the cliff. What remained of the still blue sky, the deepen shadows in the forest below and the faint traces of red and orange that began to tint the horizon.

A stiff wind blew up from the valley and he pulled his cloak tighter. He had been waiting hours, although to one of his age it seemed like years, for the man he was supposed to meet. Fuming, he began to complain aloud. "That blasted fool said sundown! Where in the hells is he?"

The old man jumped at the sound of a voice. "Right behind you Telos, and I had told you twilight, not sundown." Standing behind the old man was a figure clad in pale grey robes. He looked to be a young man, however his bleached hair and pupiless eyes betrayed an otherworldly presence.

Telos turned around and glared. "Don't do that! I almost fell, you infernal Drifter! Besides, twilight or sundown, it's all the same."

The Drifter stared back with a faint smile. "It is not the same. Sunset is but a moment, a single event, which Twilight surrounds."

Telos waved his hand dismissively. "Bah, I'm not here to talk about time! You said in your message that you needed to speak with me? If so, then out with it! I'm going to miss supper as it is!"

The Drifter nodded. "Very well, then I will be brief. You are summoned."

The old man's face turned pale. "S..summoned!? Why? I haven't taken up the craft in more summers then I care to count!"

The Drifter turned and began to walk away, looking back over his shoulder. "I know not the reason, nor should you feel compelled to go. You have a family, a good home and peace. If you choose the comforts you have earned over your old oaths, no one will hold you to it." As he spoke, his form faded into the shadows until nothing was left.

"My...my oaths?" Telos turned and looked down at the valley, now deep in shadow as the sky turned a deep purple. His village and family were there, blissfully ignorant of the thoughts and questions now forming in his mind. Unaware of who he once was, what he had given up. As the twilight ended and the night came, he still did not have his answer.
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Dubbed Marcus by Asa
Magus Gar Kan = Magus = Margus = Marcus

"Nothing is predictable in regards to humans, save for their infuriating ability to do the unexpected."

I'm not dead, just lurking and very very tired.


Last edited by Magus Gar Kan on Mon Feb 16, 2009 1:35 am; edited 1 time in total
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Tamir



Joined: 22 Mar 2008
Posts: 1629
Location: Israel

PostPosted: Sat Feb 14, 2009 7:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The story's got potential, but is far too short for any of it to be realized. I'm interested in hearing more about these characters.... d'you have a continuation?

As far as critique, I must say that your punctuation bothered me. For example, before any quotation mark there should be a comma or a period, but you don't put anything there. When you write something like this,
Marcus wrote:
The old man's face turned pale "S..summoned!? Why? I haven't taken up the craft in more summers then I care to count!"

I read it as one (strange) sentence, with no break between the word "pale" and the beginning of the speech. There should be a period after "pale".

But yeah, fun stuff. More? ^_^
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theBSDude



Joined: 09 Jul 2008
Posts: 1800
Location: The boring part of Washington

PostPosted: Sun Feb 15, 2009 3:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

In the same vein, paragraph breaks. New paragraph every time a new person starts talking.
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TheBSDude, dubbed 'BS' by Asa and nicknamed 'Thebes.'
Keeper of the Tristam, The Amazing Non-Emo Vampire!(tm) and a Massive List of Webcomics.

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Magus Gar Kan



Joined: 13 Feb 2009
Posts: 151
Location: Somewhere between Nowhere and Everywhere.

PostPosted: Mon Feb 16, 2009 2:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the comments, It does make it more readable.
I will continue the story, though I'm not certain how far it will go.

I have discovered though I have an aversion to the phrase "said". Such as: "I'm not dead", said the corpse.

I don't know why but I try to write in such a way as to avoid it. I guess it's just that in my mind when I write that phrase it always sounds like a kids show narrator doing a reading in my head. But only when it's something I've written.
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Dubbed Marcus by Asa
Magus Gar Kan = Magus = Margus = Marcus

"Nothing is predictable in regards to humans, save for their infuriating ability to do the unexpected."

I'm not dead, just lurking and very very tired.
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Tamir



Joined: 22 Mar 2008
Posts: 1629
Location: Israel

PostPosted: Mon Feb 16, 2009 3:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I tend to avoid "said" as well, though I've found that people read right past it as if it isn't there. That makes me a bit more comfortable putting it in.

The improvements are an improvement. Razz
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Tenshi



Joined: 18 Apr 2008
Posts: 2594
Location: Star Stuff

PostPosted: Mon Feb 16, 2009 10:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don't generally like to critique others' work, as I don't ever think my work compares. I enjoy reading almost everything, so long as it was written above the 6th grade reading level. Some of the things I've had to read for school...

Anyway, I enjoy the piece! Also, advice to avoid "said" is just to use different things.

"We could try the other door," she offered, motioning to the side of the building.
or
"Don't try and bribe me, knave!" bellowed the guard.
or
"The tears of angels fall, becoming the purest snowflakes. As beautiful as they are, none of it can come close to your eyes," he whispered against her ear.

_ Dontjudgeme.
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