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Writer's Group 7: AHH!! Real Monsters!
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Maeniel



Joined: 22 Mar 2008
Posts: 1080
Location: Next to Waldo

PostPosted: Sun Nov 16, 2008 11:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

No worries--it fits the topic. Very Monsters Inc. Wink

As far as critique goes, you seem to spend most of your piece introducing characters and giving a slight backstory to them without really using them. I mean, sure, you used Madame Greetchnik as the registrar, but that back bit doesn't seem to matter much. Also not sure where you wanted to go with the 'monsters don't cry' bit. I was also confused on the classifications of Bed Monster/Bed Lurker/etc; at one point you say she hopes to be a Bed Lurker, then later on she wants to be a Bed Monster. Earlier on, you say that she is a Bed Monster, but Bed Lurker would be a better classification. Now, I realize that the former two are job categories and the latter two are stereotypes...but you may want to clear that up. Also a few grammar issues that you'll catch when you read it through again. Smile
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Asa



Joined: 10 Apr 2008
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Location: Grammar Police HQ. Watch your language, I'm armed with the NYTimes Style Book AND Strunk and White!

PostPosted: Sun Nov 16, 2008 9:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

He's classified as a Bad Dream, but is more along the lines of a Bed Lurker. His dad (who he never knew) was probably a Closet Monster, based on Mirin's mix of characteristics (Nightmare/Closet Monster). He wants to be upgraded to Bed Lurker so he can do more scaring easier.

You know how surveys ask you whether you're Hispanic, African American, Caucasian, etc? Classifications here are sort of like the same thing, and the monster's job goes along with his specific set of skills that go with his type. Mostly, monsters are purebred, but some, like Mirin, are mutts, and then it gets complicated. Which is why he wants to be upgraded.

Eh... if I have to do this much explaining, maybe I should change it.

This was sort of rolling off my mind and onto the page freely... It's kind of a base for a whole world, which is why it's so loose. Do you think I should rewrite it to be more centered on Mirin? I'll probably also change his name. That one's sort of place-holder-ish.
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Nem: "It's the sort of face you just know is getting ready to poke you with something sharp."
BS: "...then insist you eat a brownie."
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Maeniel



Joined: 22 Mar 2008
Posts: 1080
Location: Next to Waldo

PostPosted: Mon Nov 17, 2008 9:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think that would be fine. Smile
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Asa



Joined: 10 Apr 2008
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 17, 2008 9:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

What would be fine? Rewriting it?
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Keeper of the Library and the Gateway to Haven

Nem: "It's the sort of face you just know is getting ready to poke you with something sharp."
BS: "...then insist you eat a brownie."
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Maeniel



Joined: 22 Mar 2008
Posts: 1080
Location: Next to Waldo

PostPosted: Mon Nov 17, 2008 9:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Focusing more on Mirin and explaining the Bed Lurker/Bad Dream thing within the text. And I like Mirin as a name.
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Asa



Joined: 10 Apr 2008
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Location: Grammar Police HQ. Watch your language, I'm armed with the NYTimes Style Book AND Strunk and White!

PostPosted: Mon Nov 17, 2008 12:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don't, though. It's too... normal. And too silky.
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Keeper of the Library and the Gateway to Haven

Nem: "It's the sort of face you just know is getting ready to poke you with something sharp."
BS: "...then insist you eat a brownie."
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Think but this and all is mended...
Give me your hands if we be friends,
And Robin shall restore amends.
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Dark Mirf



Joined: 22 Apr 2008
Posts: 297

PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 7:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This ends on the 5th, right? I need few more days. x_x May I get few more days? I've been either busy or brain dead this week.
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electricpanda



Joined: 03 Sep 2008
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 9:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

What? I thought we still had, like, a week!

*spazzes out*
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Maeniel



Joined: 22 Mar 2008
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 11:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nope! Ends December 10th. Smile Will that be long enough for all of you?
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theBSDude



Joined: 09 Jul 2008
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 1:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I... really doubt I'll have anything by then. I've been putting off dropping in case I came up with something, but I'm to preoccupied with another project to think about anything unconnected.

All that to say: Sorry, I'm gonna have to bail on this one.
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Tamir



Joined: 22 Mar 2008
Posts: 1629
Location: Israel

PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 1:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I haven't given up yet, but I've also had no progress since the start. D=
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Asa



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Location: Grammar Police HQ. Watch your language, I'm armed with the NYTimes Style Book AND Strunk and White!

PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 4:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've made zero progress since that first thing I posted, and at this point I'm just going to leave it. I'm inundated with finals and my final portfolio, which, while coming along nicely, isn't about imaginary creatures.

I'm glad I did post something though. Phew!
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Self-styled Forum Grandmother, because I hand out nicknames and hugs whether you want them or not. ^_^

Keeper of the Library and the Gateway to Haven

Nem: "It's the sort of face you just know is getting ready to poke you with something sharp."
BS: "...then insist you eat a brownie."
__________________
If we shadows have offended,
Think but this and all is mended...
Give me your hands if we be friends,
And Robin shall restore amends.
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electricpanda



Joined: 03 Sep 2008
Posts: 608
Location: Smelbourne

PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 11:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's a relief. Mine'll be up in the next couple of days, then Very Happy
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theBSDude



Joined: 09 Jul 2008
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Location: The boring part of Washington

PostPosted: Fri Dec 05, 2008 12:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I un-quit! Can I un-quit? I un-quit!

Inspiration kicked me in the nuts at 9:00 last night and I went from idea to writing in less than an hour (which never happens), then, after I went to bed, I had another flash of inspiration and whipped out a page and a half by hand (which I almost never do).

I'm... actually supposed to be working right now, but I needed to announce my un-resignation. I'm not sure when I'll have a chance to get it typed up, but it'll be before the tenth.

Whoo! I'm like flying on a writer's high right now.
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...In accordance with the prophesy.

TheBSDude, dubbed 'BS' by Asa and nicknamed 'Thebes.'
Keeper of the Tristam, The Amazing Non-Emo Vampire!(tm) and a Massive List of Webcomics.

"I'm like a ninja with no hopes or dreams." --Wally of Dilbert
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Asa



Joined: 10 Apr 2008
Posts: 3531
Location: Grammar Police HQ. Watch your language, I'm armed with the NYTimes Style Book AND Strunk and White!

PostPosted: Fri Dec 05, 2008 2:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Can I have some of that? I need it for class.
_________________
Self-styled Forum Grandmother, because I hand out nicknames and hugs whether you want them or not. ^_^

Keeper of the Library and the Gateway to Haven

Nem: "It's the sort of face you just know is getting ready to poke you with something sharp."
BS: "...then insist you eat a brownie."
__________________
If we shadows have offended,
Think but this and all is mended...
Give me your hands if we be friends,
And Robin shall restore amends.
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View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
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