[Cypher]

Moving my other post, as per request:

More pronouns. There's no reason to use a character's name more than once in a sentence unless there are multiple subjects or the character's gender is uncertain.

You're also switching tenses. Some of it's in past tense (staggered), some is in present (spits). As a general rule, everything is in past tense, baring unique situations like scripts. Though if you wanted a really unique format, you could write everything in present tense.

And while I'm on the subject of formats, you have to be very careful with fanfics. Toying around with someone else's characters is a recipe for disaster. Not saying that they're bad, some of the best fiction I've ever read is fanfiction, but since the vast majority suck, many people will refuse to read your work, just because it's fiction. And frankly, working with other people's characters is kind of limiting. Personally, I'd suggest making your own characters and setting it in their world, and using major characters like Superman only in cameo roles. That way you have a lot more freedom to work and you can still work with those same cool characters.

As far as fight scenes, more collateral damage. Superman and Metallo are impossibly strong. Don't just have Metallo HIT Superman. Have him hit Superman, send him flying through a fifth story window to smash some poor secretary’s desk to splinters, then jump up, grab him, and chuck him through three floors of a parking garage to crush someone's SUV and set off the car alarm.

That's all I can think of for now.
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Mors Certa, Vita Incerta.

Officially dubbed Pez by AsA
Cypher = code = problem = puzzle = Puzz = Pez

Keeper of Skogul's berserk rage, and the Endless Void.

[Angel]